Sep 1, 2009

A Small Pen Light At The End Of The Huge Dark Tunnel

After another day of no work I must admit that I wasn't really feeling all that great. Okay, I might be going through just a little bit of self pity. I hate that. For years the Clarke's' have taken much pride on the ability to keep our smiles up, shoulders back, and marching forward in what ever storm lies ahead. This lack of work thing has really hit me in the gut. My inability to focus on things as well as understand how I have not worked in a month really has me by the short hairs. Since the age of 14 I have worked non-stop. Sometimes I had up to five jobs at once. Sure they weren't the high glamour jobs of saving lives, but they kept me from living on the streets. Being without work is just something I can not wrap my head around. In fact it has really affected me deep down.

Every day I hope that it is the day I'm called in to work. I wake up at 04:00 (with the help of the dogs) and I stare at my phone. I wait for that glimmer of light indicating a call is coming in and the potential of work lies on the line. For many weeks that light has been what keeps me going everyday. The hope of working, of providing, of contributing. But as time has pasted the light itself remains the same, however my ray of hope has faded more and more. So to fill the time I have been keeping up with my blog and podcast just to keep my head focused on something, anything. As time as marched on that too has become an empty reward for life. In fact many days make me wonder if my close friends are the only ones reading.

Well today I got an e-mail that made my heart smile. One of the Rants followers sent me a nice note about the pride of ownership, the blog about the dogs early pee. See, she too has been blessed with a new puppy that she got for her birthday and she laughed at my exploits and it made her smile. And that's what I needed to hear. Her life might not be all roses and steak. She might not have everything she wants right now and she might have every reason to just sit back and let life pass her by. But she gets up and reads my blog and moves on with her life. Her strength is my inspiration to keep it coming. I made her laugh. I helped someone else forget their pain and in turn, forgot my own for a bit.


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